“You make how much? Thats so sexy”

It has taken me quite some time to pen and publicly publish this post due to the nature of it’s content, but finally I’ve come to terms with the possibility that after this goes public I’ll probably never have sex with a literate woman ever again. But ah well I didn’t start writing the blogs to win friends and influence women, so here it goes.

If you seek out a man strictly for his liquid funds or credit score to improve your standard of living, you are a parasite. No arguments, no alibis sit down and be labelled correctly. I shouldn’t really even need to back this up with an argument but the nature of those in the wrong is to convince others that they are not in fact in the wrong.

Believe this or not (it’s based on fact), but there are women out there who count a mans income as part of their income as well. Like they know that they personally earn X, have X amount for bills and they have a tax free income based on the mans income, so living from payday to payday has been redefined for them. Because now they have two paydays (I can see you witches doing back flips, sit down this is not the Olympics). For these women once they are with a man things like weekends, hair appointments, nail appointments, groceries and whatever else your disposable income can stretch to are no longer their personal financial responsibility. Once the spending precedence is set up things they couldn’t afford before you, you (the man) can now afford. H&M is a thing of the past and it’s Selfridges, Harvey Nichols and New Bond St (Please adjust stores and street names to suit the geographical location of your parasites) all the way.

I’ve been opposed to women like you for most of my adult life and thankfully I’ve not accumulated enough physical wealth to attract too many of you. But even still I’ve managed to cross paths with some of you through my own encounters or those of my friends. Looking back to to myself as an 18 year old contributing to the tax paying world for the first time and truly appreciating the true value of earning my own money (something you parasites should try) and just hard it is to work for it on an hourly basis. I remember this one particular time when I was on the bus on my way to work to go and proudly gain my minimal hourly wage and I got into a conversation with a young lady of whom I shared a mutual physical interest. We spoke as expected of two young people in a non-platonic conversation would and we felt each other out with looks and questions typical of such a scenario. About 15 minutes into this mutual interview she quite confidently and comfortably asked me what it is I do for a living and if it pays well. At that very moment Jeru the Damaja’s “Not your average…” Played through my head, so I confidently responded with, “I sign on” (that’s receiving a government cheque for those not familiar with the colloquialism). Instantly the conversation died (one of many examples of Sahara syndrome in my formative years). The question posed by the young prospector could have been delivered with better discretion by omitting the second part of the question involving the monetary value of my occupation.

As much as I try my damnedest to not think about women in a negative light because obviously they don’t all display the same negative traits or negative traits at all. It’s a tough position to play due to the large number of players on Team Negative Mindset. As men a defence needs to be formed against these demons collectively. My chosen form of defence is to deflect or ignore such women. In deflecting them I try to sniff out their intentions from as early as possible. Believe me I like many men are listening to every word you say when money or expenditure are brought up. We know some of you have perfected covert skills in gold digging and hunting out rich sources. So when you say things like we should go here and we should do this, many of us are observing your subliminal ideas in how these activities should be funded.

Some women have a reflex to expect far too much, far too soon without any real indication of what I as a man will be receiving in return. For example a couple of years back I was doing a bit of wingman service for a friend and the woman I was distracting was far from a bogey so I took joy in “getting to know her”. At some point during my excellent winging she suggested we go on a date some time soon, which seemed like a good idea. That was until she made a decision on where we should go. This is what she said to me, “Have you ever been to Prague? It’s lovely, you should take me to Prague”. This was my response “Ha! Prague as in abroad Prague, not some new restaurant in Chelsea Prague? I’m sorry I don’t do passports on first dates”. My refusal had 2 layers to it 1) I don’t know you to be in the confines of a foreign country with you alone. 2) I don’t like to put expectations on people but if I have to simultaneously pull out my passport and bank card for anything more than identification purposes, you better pull out your inner pornstar. Needless to say my wing work ended there and I returned her to her friend. I ran into her again a few months later and she told me that I lost out because she found a man to take her to Prague and wherever else she wants to go… I lost out?

“I need a man with a good career who’s driven”

You need to give that back to the good woman who you first say it, because it was actually what they deserved and desired with pure intentions and reciprocating behaviour. See the problem with the common garden variety gold digger other than the obvious parasitic motivation, is that unlike the women they often disguise themselves as they have very little to offer in return for their high demands and expectations. Due to the fact that their sights have been set on hitting the husband/boyfriend/link lottery for most of their menstruating lives they’ve done very little to elevate themselves to be equal to what they impurely desire. Some of these women have perfected this game down to an art form and play it masterfully like a game of chess and will position themselves strategically around their unsuspecting victims in ways far better thought out than “be where they socialise”. No these women have spent years making sure they work, live and shop near those whom they covet. From the “I only party in the exclusive clubs because I love the vibes” ladies to the legal secretaries and executive PA’s with nowhere near as much interest in their job roles as they do in the prospective single wealthy pots in their vicinity. I’ve witnessed women purchase cars they can’t afford and shop in M&S just to appear like they have their own money together when baiting in a wealthy prospect.

Recently someone made the statement that it is a mans duty to take care of his woman. I couldn’t agree more with that statement but like I told them “take care of” needs to be predefined. Because if you mean like a parent would a child or like a beneficiary would a charity, then I can’t agree with you less. Now I’m a traditionalist but I’m also a realist and as much as I believe in gender specific roles, mine are more based on male and females natural capabilities as opposed to misogynistic views over women. We currently live in a climate where the cost of living is high, women earn as much and if not more than men, so a man shouldn’t have to pay for everything and give his woman pocket money. A woman should be your partner and vice versa, not part of your monthly expenditure. If we’re trying to build towards a future then you need to help me stack those bricks in some way other than looking pretty.

Once again I attribute the existence of these parasitic women to male misogynistic systems firstly. The men who have little to no personality and enough credit to buy a womans interest are to blame in modern times. Mothers who didn’t raise their daughters to have self respect and why we’re at it let’s blame Kandi of Xscape for writing songs like No Scrubs and Bills Bills Bills, which may have longer last effects than the Willie Lynch letter.

Man Laws (Part 19)

Acceptable material properties for men’s trousers.

I’m going to sit and wait for one of you to explain to me why men’s trousers would ever need to come in stretch material. Please don’t be distracted by me loading this rifle.

There is never any need for Lycra in men’s trousers, yeah you’ve been in the gym all year getting it in on the squats and leg presses and on the quite you’ve been in the legs, bums and tums classes and that’s nice for you as women are sick of looking at dudes who look like they will collapse under the weight of their upper body. However Mr Man-Whore nobody wants to see you strutting your thighs around, what’s next standing in the bathroom mirror looking over your shoulder for you Instagram photoshop album?

Take a masculine seated pose

Anything with your knee joints touching each other is unacceptable, especially if your big toes are touching and your heels are turned out. Are you afraid someone will see up your skirt? Sit like a man dammit, let the world know that you have balls and they can not be restricted by having your knees and thighs clasped together. Take your damned hands off of your knees. Are you trying to accentuate your cleavage or something?

The correct manner in which to carry bags.

I’ve seen this a couple of times now and I’m going to warn you before I push you in front of moving traffic. You were given 5 fingers and a clenching action for amongst many other manly tasks, to carry heavy objects. But apparently some of you have decided to throw away years of evolution to join the likes of Pars Hilton wannabes by using the crook of your elbow to carry your little fashion store shopping bags. When carrying bags put the handle in your clenched hand and keep your arm straight at all times. At no point shall you all the handle to slide up your forearm into the crook of your arm and for your wrist to point upwards. Please also note that you must NEVER accompanying the carrying of shopping bags with any frozen coffee from any of the coffee chain stores.

Tips on French

So lets set this straight, regardless of if you’re hetero, homo or just lying to yourself also know as metro. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your feet when needs must because quite honestly nobody finds nails that look like dominoes or dry heels that look like the white cliffs of Dover appealing. And I know that domestic moisturisers are just soaked up by your desert feet. So we can’t begrudge a man getting a pedicure in order to not rip trough the silk or satin lingerie (not yours, hers *shakes head*) when it comes to sexy time. Now when you get to the pedicurists please ask for just the simple maintenance which will involve nail clipping and the removal of dead skin. Do not get carried away and ask for anything more! I know some of you idiots will look other at the woman next to you and think you pull of French tips as long as you’re rocking Camo.

The Power of “No!”

If he’d know how to say no this wouldn’t have happened.

I have to unfortunately admit that my mind is full of some serious crap due to years of pursuing women in the wrong way. I dread to think of the number of brain cells I’ve assassinated whilst sitting through pointless movies, tv shows and conversations based on celebrities or girly crap that I really have absolutely no interest in. You know what my interest was in? You don’t!?! Well that was probably my own doing, as I sat through oestrogen entertainment for countless hours that I will never get back, not sticking to my original plan (Foolish young me). But I was young and learning with nobody guiding me along the correct path to what I wanted. Well I won’t see this happen to those behind me who are blindly making the same errors that myself and many others before them and before myself have made. So here it is, are you ready? Sitting through seasons 1- Pointlessly high number of The Kardashians and whatever spin off shows it may spurn will not bring you any closer to the gush gush. Listening to a woman bitch about what celebrity dickhead of the moment did for his numpty of a woman also won’t bring you any closer any quicker. You know when you suggest going to the movies stop asking when you know a romcom is on thinking that this will soften the defences. In all of these and many other similar scenarios a simple and stern appropriation of the word “No!” will save you time, brain cells and more importantly get you closer to saying those 3 magic words, “Just the tip”.

Listen I shit you not women love to be told no, it does things to them psychologically and biologically that they don’t understand. I know I didn’t believe it myself until I tried for myself. My earliest memory was when I was just 19 and my then girlfriend asked me to follow her and her friends to some crap or the other that I had no interest in whatsoever. Uncontrollably this voice from within took over and simply said no… I expected it to turn into either a guilt trip or argument. You know what happened? We had SEX, and after the sex she went out with her friends and I went out with mine. That was it I had been liberated no more would I have to sit through crap just for some sexy time. Had Matrix been out at that time I would have told people to call me Neo. But I do have to admit that at first I was on a power trip and may have got out of hand with it… Please take note of this example and do not follow in it. Let’s say it was a Wednesday and I’d prearranged to me with my girl for “a nice home cooked lunch” at 3pm. Now let me tell you this to me sounded like some romantic fraff that my 19 year old self had no interest in sitting through because it would probably lead to talking about feelings that I quite honestly wasn’t feeling. But as I had no plans I agreed to it because hey I like food and sex had to be on the menu as a dessert, so I’d sit through the soppy stuff to get to the gushy stuff. So it’s Wednesday around 1pm and I’m hanging out with my friends in the town centre doing absolutely nothing constructive with our time for hours on end as we did back then. Well those hours pass and I get a call on my phone that by the way says it’s 3:30pm. It’s my girl asking me if I’m in my way. What did I reply? That right I pulled out the big bad “No!” and even added an arrogant chuckle to it. Now this I was expecting, my arrogant no was followed by a barrage of profanity. But being that I was still on my new-found high of super powers I didn’t take it seriously and turned up 2 hours after that call even though I was 15 mins away with the humorous excuse of “I’m not late, I’m early for tomorrow” (That classic still brings a smile to my face to this day). Needless to say I didn’t see my good friend sex for quite a while after that.

Many if not all women have a latent desire to be mastered this is why they will tell you how much a strong dominant man turns them on. This is why nice guys finish last. And this is the core reason why no is so powerful. It says you know your own mind and won’t be led down a pink fluffy alley to be adorned with low-cut t-shirts and guy liner. Just how stern that single syllable is says “Woman I am man and I will may you lose control of your legs if you don’t quit playing with me”. I often wonder of young women are aware of the things young men sit through in the pursuit of the gush gush? I know grown women know because the maturer ones like to play games with it. Some of you should be ranked on some form of world league table. I’ve seen dudes have tickets purchased for shows and days out that are clearly geared towards a woman and her friends not a woman and her man. But because the man doesn’t understand the power of no they time and time again find themselves losing brain cells and precious man time being mocked elegantly. I remember when the Sex & The City movie came out I was invited to watch it with some females friends and I sternly declined. The trixy minxes had the cheek to advise me that another male friend of mine would be attending…? This to me sounded like castration and a boy on boy date all in one. Since then it’s like every woman I’ve dated has tried to get me to watch this damned movie like there is some kind of bounty out on me watching it. But each time I stick to my guns and tell them No! I’ve even had to disconnect the DVD player on one occasion.

I’m sure if I was still young, dumb and hungry I would have seen that movie a number of times without actually wanting to. Actually this reminds me of when I was forced to watch “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” because my friend hadn’t learnt the Power Of No and was dating my girls friend. Stella got her groove back I lost precious hours of my life, those were hours of my life and memories that I would quite happily give pretty much anything to get back. I sat in that cinema feeling like the angriest young man alive. Yes watching the film lead to me having sex but she can have the sex back if I can have my time and memory space back.

Now remember as they say with great power comes great responsibility (if you don’t know the movie this is quoted from it’s probably because you didn’t know about the Power Of No and watched some Meg Ryan drivel instead), so here are a few pointers for the application of “No!”

* When you say it mean it.. They’ll be able to smell if you’re not confident in it.
* Don’t be afraid to say it in group settings even if you are outnumbered by women folk. The more the better to be honest. Let them see your alpha male dominance.
* If you’re already in trouble you may or may not want to use it depending on the situation. For instance you are now being asked to do something non-demeaning say yes it will work in your favour.
* Know when to use it. Don’t spite yourself with it.

Fellas all we really want is that peaceful existence, with regular oral blessings, sandwiches, action movies, sports, liquor and red meat. But I assure you that agreeing to every damned thing a woman asks of you won’t bring you these things on terms that equally benefit you.
I’ve seen men destroyed because they don’t know how to say no. You’ve seen them as well in clothing stores trying on clothes they don’t want to wear like a child shopping with their mother. These are the same men who love Call Of Duty but don’t own a console as the Call Of Booty told them they couldn’t have one. These are our same comrades who can’t keep alcohol in their own homes… Gentleman allows us to chant one solid NO! In the memories of these fallen soldiers.

No!

Think like a man, don’t dress like a lady

A couple of weeks ago I tweeted this tweet in jest, “It’s only a matter of time until you extra fashionable dudes get carried away and start rocking battyriders”. I meant that as a joke but it appears some of you can’t differentiate between a joke and an inspirational speech.

So as all you male groupies will be more than aware Kanye and Jay-Z are in London for the Watch The Throne tour. I’ve heard you all squealing about how wet you are about getting to see the objects of your affections live and in the flesh. I’m personally not interested as I listened to the album when it came out and it just didn’t feel like Hip Hop as I know it. When tickets went on sale the first people I heard about it from we’re women and the fashionably gay community, which further illustrates to me that this just isn’t for me. But I’m not here to discuss the credentials of the Tour or the album as we have more pressing issues to deal with, don’t we?

As I’ve mentioned through my blogs on a number of occasions I’m on the most upto date “News Network” that goes by the name of Twitter. Seriously Twitter gets the news before any of the major networks, like last year when a bus went through the front of Bagel King (an all night suppliers of filled Bagels) and almost caused a possible famine in South London… Sorry I digress. So it’s the Saturday morning after the opening night of the London leg of the tour and I’m reading through Twitter and rolling my eyes vigorously at all the “#WTT changed my life…” tweets. Seriously dick riding is becoming an Olympic sport. I’m sure it was a spectacle to behold as they’ve got the budget to make it appear so, but life changing…? Come on be serious now, this wasn’t the second coming of Martin Luther King! So as I’m reading through all of these over zealous tweets from excited young girls and grown ass men who should damned well know better. I come across some pictures from the opening night and I’m stopped in my tracks by a picture of Kanye in what I first hope to be a really long leather and fabric t-shirt. Upon closer inspection and a couple of shots of Russian vodka I come to see that nope, “Yeezy” has obviously got further caught up in his own hype and decided that a leather skirt over his leather jeans would be fitting attire for him to perform his Alice in Wonderland music to. So me being me I set to Tweeting about his choice of attire and the fact that some of these easily mislead characters who completely adore him won’t be far behind in their trip to Miss Selfridges for a frock to make sure they aren’t missing a fashion heartbeat.

At the time of the Twitter onslaught, I said the only thing holding back all of the He-Bitch fashion victims back was an outlet to buy Man-skirts from. Well don’t I wish that I had just kept my fingers off of the keypad and kept my disgust to myself. Because today I see that Marc Jacobs has not only gone ahead and released a line of Man-skirts, he has gone a step further and released Man-Dresses… Like really what the hell is going wrong with the world?!?! What chiffon t-shirts that show off your he-vage weren’t enough? Now you need to be rocking dresses? I’m sure I’ve covered this with you before, just because the word has been prefixed with “Man” doesn’t make it ok, if anything it really points out that it’s not ok and should really confined to for women only. I’m so not looking forward to a summer of Nike Composites, Snapbacks and Kanye Dresses.

Now I’m well aware that in many cultures there are traditional men’s attire that can be mistaken for women’s attire. But these dresses are actually women’s wear in the men’s department. The Marc Jacobs dresses even come in women’s colours and one of them is see through with lace trimmings… There is nothing you can say to me to convince that this is manly attire and anyone who does try to defend it will be stripped of their man parts and be put on a course of female hormones for life. Let’s look at what the designer has really down here to man up a dress? The only changes that have been made are that the shoulders have been broadened and the sizes come in inches instead of whatever the hell it is they measure women’s clothing in. But in saying that I sense that most of the men wearing these dresses are narrow shouldered types anyway and probably know their size in women’s clothing.

So now as we patiently sit and wait for Versace to come out with the summer line of Battyriders for men. I know you’ll all try to have the same pointless protest with me that you did about pink for men. And I state this now as I did then. None of my childhood heroes wore pink and they sure as hell didn’t wear dresses and skirts.

The Random Question From The Backseat

You might have noticed that odd occurrences take place with random encounters with the opposite sex (women just incase you’re wondering) and myself. Well it’s actually been a while since one of these peculiar encounters took place… Well actually that’s a lie but I can’t talk about the other one due to an agreement amongst friends.

So it’s a Saturday night and I’ve just left a party in the City (for the overseas readers I don’t live in the countryside “the city” is what we call our financial district in London) calculating how many hours sleep I’ll get by the time I get home as I had an early start the next day. So as I’m walking along making far-fetched and unrealistic calculations in my head. A taxi cab rolls on by full to the brim with young ladies making their way home from a party. As you know I’m a people watcher so I notice one of the women staring out of the back window of the cab, she in turn notices me and smiles. As I’m not you’re average Londoner I smile back (yes that’s right people in London are unfriendly and stand-offish). As I walk on a little further I notice the cab has stopped and the young ladies head is hung out of the window with a predatory smile on her face. So we exchanged a flirtatious greeting with each and I kept on walking. Now as I’m walking ahead of the cab the young lady shouted out to me these words that instantly intrigued me “How tall are you?”… Well that’s a new one on me. No what’s your name? Instead a question about my height.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what is so interesting about this and what makes it Blog worthy? Ok children gather around, whilst Uncle Swagger explains this one to you.
I believe that society has become about quick delivery in all aspects from fashion, food and relationships. Now my analysis of the intentions behind this woman’s question may not be what was intended but this is what it meant to me. When she said “How tall are you” I heard “Are you genetically fit to father my children and protect me from wild beasts”. Why else would she ask such a question in what was such a brief encounter? I can’t think of why else my height would be of concern or intrigue. Especially as I am neither remarkably tall nor short. I have to say though I much prefer this to the question I used to hear randomly like “where do you work?”, or for the more frank amongst you (gold diggers is what I really want to say here) “how much do you earn?”.

So ladies I ask for you to break this one down for me and let me know what these random question you ask men mean, because I’m not naive enough to think that anything a woman asks doesn’t have a foundation meaning to it as I know your are calculated creatures. So I await your response with a listening and learning mind.

Mama I’m in love with an imbecile

I’m a big Family Guy Fan and one of my favourite substories throughout the show is that of Brian the dog and his girl friend Jillian. For those of you who don’t watch the show (you disgust me by the way) I’ll bring you up to speed. Brian is the Family dog who is very well read and by far smarter than his owner Peter. Brain meets and starts a quite serious relationship with a beautiful woman by the name of Jillian but has avoided bringing her to meet the family for reason that he not shared with anyone. However Stewie and managed to meet Jillian on his own and discovered why Brian hadn’t brought her around. Please watch following clip to see what happens when Jillian was introduced to the family.

The otherwise intellectual dog has fallen for an imbecile! The pain felt by the very realisation is crushing to the ego of the intelligent male, to know that you have been duped by your weakness for beauty/booty is just simply embarrassing. But who is to blame for this misdemeanour, the idiot or the intellectual?

I don’t think either party can be held completely responsible. After all beauty is a serious distraction that no amount of smarts can consistently shield you from. After all, we are basically animals who are slaves to our desires (yes I’m making excuses) and our animal instincts will sometimes rule our heads from the pelvic regions. When this occurs it takes a while for the mist of “I want to hump it” to clear and for us to be able make an educated judgement in regards to what we have before us, this is when we come to the realisation that we have fallen for, “the beautiful idiot”. The worst part of this realisation is that we actually knew from the beginning but brushed it aside to satisfy our hunger. We’ve probably done things that like laughed at the moments of obvious imbecility and just thought to ourselves “my my my your are good looking aren’t you”. Now from the viewpoint of the idiot they are attracted to the obvious intelligence of the genius because they are impressed by the things that they are either not, or they are pretending to be. And from a once again animalism angle they are merely trying to improve on their gene pool by mating upwards, which in actual fact makes complete sense. Even though I’m not 100% sure you can gain intelligence via osmosis like an STI. Could you imagine that? Sexually transmitted intelligence! Now if the possibilities of a severe itch or worse doesn’t scare you enough to strap up and take caution in who sleep with then surely becoming an idiot must.

I’ve looked over this and I think there are some clear indicators that you’re with a beautiful idiot and some not so clear indicators:

Are all of their hero’s reality tv stars? It is commonly known that reality TV stars are pretty dense and the shows that they star in are pretty shallow. So the likelihood is that unless your object of lust and affection is an anthropologist or plotting on ridding the world of idiots from the root cause, they aren’t learning anything of substance from watching these shows religiously. If anything they are only descending deeper into idiocy.

Worn out L and O keys on their “smart”phones? This is for the more sleuth amongst you. Most “smart”phones aren’t used by smart people to do smart things. I’m actually convinced that idiots buy these devices in the hope that owning one will somehow raise their IQ. The thing is this isn’t a flawed idea because if they actually used them for reading books or learning something rather than interacting pointlessly and endlessly on the likes of twitter and Facebook with consistent pointless input of nothing more than “LoL”, then they’d raise their intellect without a doubt.

A social but not actual grasp of the English language? If you find yourself having to explain to a fully grown adult that they need to be specific not pacific, you are in the presence of an idiot. If the explanation of the fault in their vocabulary turns into some form of dispute, try not to look directly into the glare of their beauty and just walk away and don’t look back they are beyond your help.

Arguments and dispute are waged based on horoscope or tarot readings? Ever argued with someone and they instantly break it down to the clash in your star signs or blame it on the positioning of venus? Unless you are dealing with an astrophysicist the likelihood is that they are talking tosh and have absolutely no grasp on what they are using to win an argument. Once again walk away.

Sometimes even though in the back of your mind you know that you are walking with a beautiful idiot you will fall into an intoxication of denial and spew phrases in their defence such as, “Nah man she doesn’t say much and laughs a lot because she’s shy” when in actual fact she’s doing this to cover up for the fact that she has no input to pretty much everything but has mastered the art of well placed laughter. Or the height of denial “But she pretty though right?”, try taking that one to your grandmother and see what she has to tell you about it. I guarantee you leave with a stern lecture lodged between your ears.

So let us look at this objectively. Do opposites attract? Should the imbecile and the genius stand hand in hand and learn from each other (most of the learning is the imbeciles to do). Is this just natures way of maintain an equilibrium in humanity? Or should we enforce an international law that states that all idiots should be branded with some form of identifying mark, so that clever people of the world can going on to have meaningful and intelligent sexual interactions? I don’t know the answer to this question but every time I’m asked to explain the difference between being ignorant to something and being an ignorant somebody I feel quite inclined to sign up to and get onboard with such a wild idea (it’s wild but it just might work).

And I leave you with one last example of the beautiful idiot. This one really hurt my feelings (sexual not emotional)

Disclaimer: No imbeciles were harmed in the writing of this blog

Say it with your chest

Of late I’ve been shouting this phrase at YouTube. It’s like every time I’m recommended to listen to latest new R&B singer or R&B rapper, my initial thoughts are a combination of disappointment, irritation and prison gym instructor.

I love music, if a day goes past and I haven’t listened to music it means I’m either in a really foul mood or my electricity has been cut off. So I’m always up for being introduced to new music and a lot of people know this so I get a lot of recommendations, but of late I’ve had to write many a whatsapp letter of complaint back to people on some of the recommendations they’ve given. The problem I have isn’t as it once was with the ridiculous beats these artist were performing to. Good lord did I hate the period of time where every beat sounded like it was made for a Commodore 64 game with a host of random beeps, blips and digital bass lines that sounded unmistakably binary concocted. No now it’s the voices of these artists.

At the beginning of the week I was asked to listen to some young rapper from somewhere in the states. I got 1 minute and about 12 seconds into this guys YouTube video that was quite well produced but after the one minute intro of what was a very nice jazz sounding hip hop beat all of this good work was ruined by some squeaky nasal whinging. So 12 seconds of this have passed and I’m shouting at the monitor “Say it with your chest little motherluva”. I was so irritated by this chip n dale sounding son of a… that I had to hit a couple reps on the weights and make myself a steak protein shake. If the red mist hadn’t of clouded me I’d tell you the artists name but I can’t recall it.

So after a couple of days of getting back to listening to good music I get a message from a friend of mine who’s musical tastes I respect, (understand they will now need to earn back my respect) asking if I’ve heard of an artist called “The Weeknd”. Now I knew I’d heard them mentioned all over twitter but knew I hadn’t taken the time to listen to them as I don’t usually pay any mind to any artist I see hyped up all over the place, as the hype is usually better than the talent. So when I got home I logged into YouTube plugged the stereo into PC so that I could get my ear around this music properly. So I play the first song and I’m staring at the Speakers confused, but I don’t want to be hasty and judgemental straight of the bat so I listen to another song, and another, and another,and listen I try to listen 10 of this guys tracks and was left with the thought that this guy wrote all of these songs hugging himself, whilst crying into his low v-neck t-shirt that exposes his nipples.

So when I told my friend that this guy sounded emasculated her response was “What like Prince?”. Now listen here as much as Prince sings in a falsetto, wears diamanté stilettos and his favourite colour is purple, you’ve never been able to question that the dude is still manly as a Black and Decker covered in BBQ sauce watching strippers. And Prince is also aware of the bass in his voice and utilises that baritone when needs be.

Seriously what the fook is wrong with these artists? Where has the bass gone from the male voice? Why does every single artist sound like a camp tribute band for Drake, Lil Wayne and Kanye West? What happened to the good old days when you’d drop a needle on a new track and you’d either tuck your chain because the artist sounded so raw you thought they were trying to rob you through the speakers, or you’d hold your woman closer because his baritone sounded like it alone could possibly get her pregnant?

I just can’t bring myself to respect these young artists nothing about them says personality or character to me, nothing about these soft ass voices says to me that these are men talking to women. Everything about them makes me want to make them sit a course in Man Laws, chopping wood and fighting wild animals. Seriously you don’t need to sound soft as baby poo to get your emotions across properly, artist like Teddy Pendergrass, Aaron Hall, CL Smooth and even Method Man were quite capable of sharing emotions without sharing panties and bras. Hey maybe it’s the tight trousers blocking the baritone? Well if so that’s another good reason for those to quickly move out of fashion and for manly men to move to the forefront of popular culture once again.

I Raise Your Stocks Worth

For those of you who understand stocks this analogy will make perfect sense to you. “A stocks worth can be raised by the association they have with other companies”.

There is a theory that I share with a good friend of mine that allows this analogy to also apply to people. Now it’s not as simple as the saying that goes “You are a reflection of those you keep around you”, as that would be too easy and quite honestly not worth sharing my thoughts on. We’ve taken this a stage (or possibly two) above that. The original sentiment comes from the arrogant friendship that we share with each other. Our friendship is built on the fact that we both think we are too good for the other and is something we constantly joke about. The joke has gone to the point where we both believe we are so much better than the other that our presence as a friend to the other encourages attraction from the opposite sex.

As you’ve probably guessed my friend is a woman, who as much as I shouldn’t really let her know this, is a very good looking woman. She has said to me on more than one occasion that her being seen with me raises my profile as women will see her and see that she is a good looking woman of good quality. These on looking women will assume that we are together and will then wonder to themselves what is it that a man like myself has to offer that I’ve managed to snare a woman like her. I laugh at this thinking as I do pretty damned well on my own.

Now I have a reverse but similar theory for her, here it is. Being that I am a social butterfly (some would say social whore, but I’ve been emancipated and don’t like such terms) and I am quite well known within several social circles. Her being associated with me leads men to want to get with her as some kind of Alpha male competition. I’ve explained it to her that these men see me and see that I am confident and always surrounded by women, and as she has stated these are women of “good stock”. So what happens is these men become confused and some what competitive (read jealous) because they feel that they are better than me (for whatever reason of their own insecurity) and from this they approach her with the intention of bettering me. Now this may sound far fetched but when conversations along the lines of “Why are you friends with that Jimmy Swagger guy? F**k that guy he ain’t shit” come up unprompted in conversations it really says a lot about the mans thinking and intentions.

Now like I said a lot of this is based on our arrogant (yet loving) friendship, however there is definitely something to both theories. I read a lot of books on marketing and both of these theories are constantly acknowledged as ways of identifying marketing trends and product popularity. For example if George Gervin (he played the same position as Michael Jordan in the 1985 line up for the Chicago Bulls when the Nike Air Jordan was originally released) had been aligned with Nike to create the Nike Air Nobodies, do you think they would still be such a popular shoe over 20 years later? No of course they wouldn’t because George wasn’t then, and isn’t now being talked about. Brand alignment is something that many subconsciously practice, but I’m not sure everyone understands. So what my friend says may have some subconscious truth to it when she is talking about the phycology of women’s mating patterns. Because if I’m honest whenever I’m out with groups of my females friends I more times than not get approached by women and this is even more prevelant if I attend events with just a singular female friend and even though we’re out together we don’t necessarily look like we are together. But when I’m out with male friends or on my own I don’t tend to get approached, which leads me to believe that this may have something to do with the company I keep. Now we know men are hunters driven by our egos so for a man to be able to “take” from another man to them they have some how won some form of unspoken battle. To some men this is like getting the Turbo S and showing it off to the man who just has the standard model.

So to all you singles out there struggling to meet people. Maybe you should look at the brands you align yourself with.

I’d Rather Go Manual

Male sex toys are one of two things they are either vulgar or they are embarrassing. From the introduction of the blow up doll, male sex toys have been a focal point of ridicule. The only time they have been “seen” as cool, is in college movies of the 80s where fraternity types would pretend that owning one made them edgy or cool. The reality is that a blow up doll says nothing more than “I can’t even get it in with an ugly, blind chick with an STD”, yet still blow up blow betty is still in production and on sale worldwide.

Well like most things innovations will cum along with time, and the male cum enablers are certainly no different. I actually went to write this about a year ago but got disgusted by some of the things I saw in my research. I came across some really weird things.

Vibrating cock rings – which look like novelty toys you get from those pick and grab machines and I always wonder if these things strangle your member?

Strokers – Which is a rubber tube in the shape of female genitalia that you (not me ever!) uses to stroke one out.

The world famous flesh light – basically it looks like Flash light with the likeness of a lady gate where the light should be, but there is no light just a place for you lose you masculinity (that is not a sexual euphanism).

The robotic blowjob machine – Much like the Fleshlight this is a big tube that the user sticks his gets no real love muscle into and it simulates an oral blessing and I guess that it probably requires water or some form of lube to bring on the life like experience (It doesn’t come with hair to pull).

Just from these examples you can see why during my research I thought to myself that I don’t need for anyone to hack into my Internet search history and see that I’ve been looking at such foolishness and have them thinking that I’m sat at home with tingly massage oil next to the monitor, love muscle in one hand and credit card in the other.

Well today I’ve been prompted by something that I just can’t fathom someone purchasing and pulling out when the mood arises. I won’t describe it, I’ll just show you it.

It’s called “Cyberskin Pussy & Ass” and is moulded from a pornstars erm, well yeah from the name you understand what it is moulded from. The reasons to buy this toy as it is marketed are lunacy within themselves. “Separate vaginal and anal entries” and “ribbed love tunnel grips tight”. This thing isn’t cheap either at £189.99… Look for around that amount you can buy yourself a decent make over and be getting it in with a real woman.

I know I don’t understand who would buy this either but yet still I understand why someone in the industry said this was a good idea. I just know that I couldn’t be pulling out this piece of rubber and humping away at it for dear life and then being able to look myself in the mirror without being disgusted at the state of my life.

Seriously, meeting women can’t be this difficult can it? Look if you need help talking to women I’ll set up online classes or something. We as men are outnumbered by women 6-1, so they way I figure it with married men neglecting 5 of their 6 and gay men giving up all 6, the odds are heavily stacked in our favour, and grinding out imitation poomtang just isn’t necessary.

If you are man who actually gets physical contact with women this can’t come over well in they find it in your underwear draw, pulling out a rubber vagina can’t have the same reaction as finding a womans bunny in her purse. I’m sure this occurring would lead to Sahara Syndrome.

Man Laws (Part 18)

Did you hear about Rhi Rhi?

Celebrity gossip is for women. Men shouldn’t indulge in such folly and chit chat, this is basically gossiping and as we all already know men don’t gossip, we debate. So if you’re a man who cares a little too much about people who abbreviate their names down to acronyms, name their children after colours and plants and have short lived pointless relationships where they are known by an joining of there names you better have a side game for all of this. It is completely understandable if you are using this knowledge to get into the gush gush by relating to women, as it’s a very similar tactic to the pretend to be gay manoeuvre. But if you actually get excited by this gossip then sanitary towels are on aisle 5.

That is not what a camera phone is for

So you’ve been rejected by a woman that you have not managed to put the loving on yet. She’s not succumbing to all of your R&B tactics that you learnt through the greasy chest training academy, so you decide it’s time to pull out the (not so) big gun. Yes that’s right you’ve taken a naked (or topless pic) of your self and sent it to her thinking that this will push her back in to your silky web. Right let me explain what you’ve just done here. You’ve actually repulsed her. Now she thinks your some kind Chipolatadale. women don’t tend to respect strippers in the same way that men do, most of them find it quite emasculating. She is now sat at home or work (if youve been stupid enough to send it whilst she can show people how pathetic you are) looking at your saddening picture of sexual gratuity and she’s now thinking to herself that all you had intended for her was to butter the baps. Well you’re completely out of the runnings now Dwaine (as in the Dwaine can’t run for his country anymore Chambers). This kind of behaviour is perfectly acceptable if the lady is interested and is reciprocating your movements towards (and you’ve steered clear of oiling yourself down in the pics) her. But remember if she says no to your original advances, then the next step is not to advertise yourself as a some kind of budget gigolo.

Below knee jewellery

So it’s just been brought to my attention that the He-Bitches are furthering their metamorphous into female form further. I can’t take this any more, come on guys toe rings? Why the fook are you trying to make your toes look pretty? Do you plan on rocking open toes Converses this summer to show off your French tip pedicure? Toe rings aren’t even really ok on women so they’re a definite no on men. And whilst we’re talking about accessorising below your probably waxed knees, ankle bracelets are a no go as well, and I’m saying it now because I know some of you have been eyeing up Shamballa beads and thinking of an “innovative” way to wear them to stand out from the crowd.

Seriously though shiny things on your feet? What’s next rhinestones and butterfly tattoos? YOU MAKE ME SICK!

Gold digging

I’m not going to make this a long one so here it is. GOLD DIGGING IS A FEMALE ASPIRATION and not one even they should be proud of, but hey that’s the way we men have set up the world to work. Most women are taught to seek a man who can take care of them, and some of them have taken to this out of context. Now back to you Mr He-Bitch you have some how once again taken the gender roles out of context completely and decided that anything a woman can do you can do better. So here you are picking women based on the price of the shoes they wear and the badge on their car keys. You deserve to be castrated, how can you not want to have your own money and do your own things? I can’t talk to you anymore… just go…