Today I feel…a little…

05/07/11

Today has been a peculiar day. For the first time in a long time I woke up at 8am with no alarm or reason to be up so early. Now I know to most of you that’s late not early, but you see I have recently been rescued from the rat race and only wake at such time through choice. However today wasn’t through choice, my body just woke up. Upon rising from my sleep my brain did what is does every morning (or afternoon depending on what time I went to sleep) and ran an itinerary of all my tasks for the day and set them out in my internal calendar. What my brain couldn’t do was account for certain variables that would lead to me sitting here at 1am feeling quite…I really don’t know the word for it.

So let me run you through some events without telling you how many times I went to the toilet (as this really isn’t one of those kind of bog blogs). Around 10am I realise it is my duty to write-up a proposal for a venue that viewing that 2 of my business partners needed to view for an impending party that we are scheduled to put on. I wrote the proposal but not with the passion that I feel that I should have as I have my heart set on a venue and a vision for what we do with our parties, but due to some rather prejudice but quite founded reasons, finding a venue is proving quite futile, which is frustrating me to no end.

At 12:09pm my petty issue with wanting what I want got thrown into prospective by a Broadcast message on my phone “5 stabbings last week in SOUTH EAST LONDON, 4 Died, 3 were under 17yrs old, 2 died still wearing their school uniform, 1 weapon…a knife…” The message was sent from a friend that I hold in quite high esteem as she has been through a lot and still remains to be a wonderful smiling rock for those around her, even though she lost her father to these same said mindless crimes. Just reading this and thinking about the fact everytime she has to hear the word knife in a negative way it hurts her really put my life into perspective.

1pm as I’m making my way to the bus station I see 2 friends of mine at the bottom of a road that I’m passing (they are about 200yards way). I havent seen either of them for quite some time so I call their phones as I walk down the road to ensure that they don’t drive off. These friends re 2 sisters that I have known for the best part of my adult life. They used to live together on this road that I’ve spotted them on, so when I get closer and see them unpacking the boat I got excited and thought they were moving back in together with the new edition to their (our) family. But alas they were just spending sometime together with my niece (all of my friends children are my nieces and nephews) who is just getting bigger and more beautiful each time I see her. I walked and talked with them for a brief while which honestly raised my spirits.

The rest of my day was spent with my business partner doing some pretty routine admin that needed to do be done in order to make our new business a success. All of what I did in the short period of time that I worked today, I did with the thought in my mind that I must make my time in this life worthwhile. Every evening at around 7:30pm I try to call my son to say goodnight to him and find out how his day has been. Unfortunately I don’t always get around to doing this for a number of reason none of which shall I share as they will sound like excuses. When I called my son this evening whilst in the gym, every word that he said made me miss him more and more to the point that I felt like crying as I told him as I always do “Daddy loves you lots chubby”.

12am arrives and I’m sat in front of my pc looking over some of my social networks and it occurs to me that I have so many people in my life that I love and cherish but just don’t get to spend anytime with. So I sent out a Status request to a few of them requesting that we all have a gathering for no other reason than the fact that it would be good to just have a catch up. Now after writing this status for some reason my heart sunk a little as I thought of the people who I no longer can include in my life for the simple fact that being in each others lives wouldn’t lead to happiness for all parties involved.

12:30am it dawns upon me that it is the 6th day of the 7th month of the year. Tomorrow is a very sad day. Tomorrow marks the anniversary of the day that someone I grew up with was taken from us by a…I still can’t find the right words to describe what was done on that day.

All in all it hasn’t been the worst day of my life but it has however managed to pluck a few strings. So to those that are no longer with us. Thank you for meaning enough that your lack of presence still affects me years later. To those that I can no longer be around, please understand that if ever you do need me I’ll still be there but being around each other isn’t healthy. For those that have lost but yet still manage to stay strong, a shoulder is always here for you. To those that I am meant to be there for, I know you can’t yet understand that I am here, I’m just building something for you, so know that nothing comes before you, only for you.