Man Laws (Part 19)

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Acceptable material properties for men’s trousers.

I’m going to sit and wait for one of you to explain to me why men’s trousers would ever need to come in stretch material. Please don’t be distracted by me loading this rifle.

There is never any need for Lycra in men’s trousers, yeah you’ve been in the gym all year getting it in on the squats and leg presses and on the quite you’ve been in the legs, bums and tums classes and that’s nice for you as women are sick of looking at dudes who look like they will collapse under the weight of their upper body. However Mr Man-Whore nobody wants to see you strutting your thighs around, what’s next standing in the bathroom mirror looking over your shoulder for you Instagram photoshop album?

Take a masculine seated pose

Anything with your knee joints touching each other is unacceptable, especially if your big toes are touching and your heels are turned out. Are you afraid someone will see up your skirt? Sit like a man dammit, let the world know that you have balls and they can not be restricted by having your knees and thighs clasped together. Take your damned hands off of your knees. Are you trying to accentuate your cleavage or something?

The correct manner in which to carry bags.

I’ve seen this a couple of times now and I’m going to warn you before I push you in front of moving traffic. You were given 5 fingers and a clenching action for amongst many other manly tasks, to carry heavy objects. But apparently some of you have decided to throw away years of evolution to join the likes of Pars Hilton wannabes by using the crook of your elbow to carry your little fashion store shopping bags. When carrying bags put the handle in your clenched hand and keep your arm straight at all times. At no point shall you all the handle to slide up your forearm into the crook of your arm and for your wrist to point upwards. Please also note that you must NEVER accompanying the carrying of shopping bags with any frozen coffee from any of the coffee chain stores.

Tips on French

So lets set this straight, regardless of if you’re hetero, homo or just lying to yourself also know as metro. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your feet when needs must because quite honestly nobody finds nails that look like dominoes or dry heels that look like the white cliffs of Dover appealing. And I know that domestic moisturisers are just soaked up by your desert feet. So we can’t begrudge a man getting a pedicure in order to not rip trough the silk or satin lingerie (not yours, hers *shakes head*) when it comes to sexy time. Now when you get to the pedicurists please ask for just the simple maintenance which will involve nail clipping and the removal of dead skin. Do not get carried away and ask for anything more! I know some of you idiots will look other at the woman next to you and think you pull of French tips as long as you’re rocking Camo.

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One Response to Man Laws (Part 19)

  1. Sash Dee says:

    I def agree with the lycra point! I’ve seen far too many men taking the ‘i’m new skool’ thing way too far!
    …and LOL & YUK almost equally @ domino toes!!! smh

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